Official joke thread!!!
07-14-2009, 07:05 PM
#1
Official joke thread!!! 0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
07-14-2009, 07:05 PM
#2
speeding A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
Officer: May i see your licence?
Lady: what does it look like?
Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'
Officer: May i see your licence?
Lady: what does it look like?
Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'
07-14-2009, 07:06 PM
#3
lil BULL Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' giving' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'him till I run him off or kill 'him, but I'M KEEPING' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, smashing into gates, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "****, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' giving' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'him till I run him off or kill 'him, but I'M KEEPING' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, smashing into gates, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "****, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
07-14-2009, 09:52 PM
#5
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Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' giving' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'him till I run him off or kill 'him, but I'M KEEPING' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, smashing into gates, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "****, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' giving' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'him till I run him off or kill 'him, but I'M KEEPING' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, smashing into gates, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "****, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
as long as the gestapo will allow, or until someone turns it into an argument somehow
07-14-2009, 10:08 PM
#6
Wife wanted me to go shopping with her until I wore my new shirt!!!!!!!!
http://imagechan.com/img/6582/Dick%20Tshirt/
http://imagechan.com/img/6582/Dick%20Tshirt/
07-15-2009, 09:39 AM
#7
Staging Lane
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Wife wanted me to go shopping with her until I wore my new shirt!!!!!!!!
http://imagechan.com/img/6582/Dick%20Tshirt/
http://imagechan.com/img/6582/Dick%20Tshirt/
Devin
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07-15-2009, 10:47 AM
#8
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A powerful message from Stevie Wonder on Michael Jackson’s death…
....... .. … … .. …..
.. .. . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... ..... ..... . .
.. . . … .. . . . ..
... . ..... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ...... ..... .... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... . .... ... ... ..... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. … .
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff.
I nearly cried when he said “. . . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... ....”
....... .. … … .. …..
.. .. . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... ..... ..... . .
.. . . … .. . . . ..
... . ..... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ...... ..... .... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... . .... ... ... ..... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. … .
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff.
I nearly cried when he said “. . . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... ....”
07-15-2009, 11:03 AM
#9
A powerful message from Stevie Wonder on Michael Jacksons death
....... .. .. ..
.. .. . . . . . . .. . .. . .. .. . ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... ..... ..... . .
.. . . .. . . . ..
... . ..... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ...... ..... .... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... . .... ... ... ..... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. .
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff.
I nearly cried when he said . . . . . .. .. .. .. . . .... ....
....... .. .. ..
.. .. . . . . . . .. . .. . .. .. . ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... ..... ..... . .
.. . . .. . . . ..
... . ..... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ...... ..... .... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... . .... ... ... ..... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. .
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff.
I nearly cried when he said . . . . . .. .. .. .. . . .... ....
thats good ****. 
07-16-2009, 06:10 AM
#11
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so the farmer and his wife have decided that they need a new rooster, the one they have is getting old and they need some new blood.
The old rooster is old, but all the chickens are his and his alone, he will give up none.
So one day the farmer lets a new rooster into the pen, Well call him the Young one. He immediately walks up to the old rooster and says pack your **** or ill fight you to the death......
The old rooster says look, ill lose a fight with you. Matter of fact, i simply cant compete with you in any way. Lets race around the house, you let me win most of the way, and you win at the last minute. You get the hens i get to stay alive and keep my pride.
young rooster says ok when? right now! you ready!? GO!
true to his word the young rooster lets the old one start winning.
As they pass the front porch, old rooster in front, BOOM! and the young rooster falls dead.
The farmer says "God Dammit thats the 3rd queer rooster ive brought home this week!!!!!!"
The old rooster is old, but all the chickens are his and his alone, he will give up none.
So one day the farmer lets a new rooster into the pen, Well call him the Young one. He immediately walks up to the old rooster and says pack your **** or ill fight you to the death......
The old rooster says look, ill lose a fight with you. Matter of fact, i simply cant compete with you in any way. Lets race around the house, you let me win most of the way, and you win at the last minute. You get the hens i get to stay alive and keep my pride.
young rooster says ok when? right now! you ready!? GO!
true to his word the young rooster lets the old one start winning.
As they pass the front porch, old rooster in front, BOOM! and the young rooster falls dead.
The farmer says "God Dammit thats the 3rd queer rooster ive brought home this week!!!!!!"
07-16-2009, 07:29 AM
#12
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
07-16-2009, 10:43 AM
#15
A powerful message from Stevie Wonder on Michael Jacksons death
....... .. .. ..
.. .. . . . . . . .. . .. . .. .. . ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... ..... ..... . .
.. . . .. . . . ..
... . ..... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ...... ..... .... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... . .... ... ... ..... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. .
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff.
I nearly cried when he said . . . . . .. .. .. .. . . .... ....
....... .. .. ..
.. .. . . . . . . .. . .. . .. .. . ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... ..... ..... . .
.. . . .. . . . ..
... . ..... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ...... ..... .... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... . .... ... ... ..... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. .
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff.
I nearly cried when he said . . . . . .. .. .. .. . . .... ....
hahaha... that made me fall out my seat!
07-16-2009, 10:49 AM
#16
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A powerful message from Stevie Wonder on Michael Jacksons death
....... .. .. ..
.. .. . . . . . . .. . .. . .. .. . ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... ..... ..... . .
.. . . .. . . . ..
... . ..... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ...... ..... .... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... . .... ... ... ..... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. .
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff.
I nearly cried when he said . . . . . .. .. .. .. . . .... ....
....... .. .. ..
.. .. . . . . . . .. . .. . .. .. . ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... ..... ..... . .
.. . . .. . . . ..
... . ..... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ...... ..... .... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... . .... ... ... ..... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. .
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff.
I nearly cried when he said . . . . . .. .. .. .. . . .... ....
Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah , Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah ,
,
, Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah ,
di-dah-di-dah-di-dah Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah , Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah , Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah ,
, Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah , Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah , Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah , Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah , Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah , Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah , Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah , Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah Di-dah-di-dah-di-dah ,
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07-17-2009, 10:19 PM
#20
On The Tree
Join Date: May 2004
Location: San Antonio Texas
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There was a lizard walking in the forest one day, he was walking along and heard a lot of commotion at the top of a tree. He looked up and saw a monkey dancing around, jumping around crazy as hell. He thought to himself "man what the hell is that monkey doing, I am gonna go check it out".
Lizard goes to the tree and climbs up to the top and asks the monkey, "hey man what the **** is wrong with you"? "How come you are acting all crazy?" Monkey says "man I have this weed I am smoking and it is the best weed I have ever had!" Lizard says "damn man can I have a few hits" and the monkey says "hell yeah" and hands him a joint.
They smoke for a while and the lizard says "man I am thirsty as ****, do you know where I can get some water?" Monkey says "yeah man there is a river right there, go drink some water out of it." Lizard goes over to the river and as he is drinking a crocodile comes swimming up to him and says "hey man what makes you think you can drink out of my river?" Lizard says "man I am sorry I am just so high I have to have something to drink!" Croc says "do you think I could have some weed?" And the lizard replies "yeah man see that monkey? Go climb that tree and he will give you some good ****."
Croc gets out of the water goes to the tree and as he is trying to climb up it the monkey looks down and says "God damn lizard how much water did you drink!!!!"
Lizard goes to the tree and climbs up to the top and asks the monkey, "hey man what the **** is wrong with you"? "How come you are acting all crazy?" Monkey says "man I have this weed I am smoking and it is the best weed I have ever had!" Lizard says "damn man can I have a few hits" and the monkey says "hell yeah" and hands him a joint.
They smoke for a while and the lizard says "man I am thirsty as ****, do you know where I can get some water?" Monkey says "yeah man there is a river right there, go drink some water out of it." Lizard goes over to the river and as he is drinking a crocodile comes swimming up to him and says "hey man what makes you think you can drink out of my river?" Lizard says "man I am sorry I am just so high I have to have something to drink!" Croc says "do you think I could have some weed?" And the lizard replies "yeah man see that monkey? Go climb that tree and he will give you some good ****."
Croc gets out of the water goes to the tree and as he is trying to climb up it the monkey looks down and says "God damn lizard how much water did you drink!!!!"