Military Hotrod Club - Need family type advice
08-19-2011, 10:30 PM
First off, I don't want to hear about divorce; that's not an option for me. Beyond religious reasons, I love my wife and know that this marriage can be rescued. I'm just not sure how at this point.
I've been a lurker on this forum for a while and have seen the military forum be very helpful to their fellow brothers in arms in the past so I'm hoping that I can get some help here.
Long story as short as I can. My wife and I got married two years ago and I deployed right afterwards for five months. I got back and after a few months I noticed that she seemed depressed. It took until September, but I finally got her to seek help and she was diagnosed with depression. I tried to help but she would blow off everything I did and when I tried asking what I could do she would just attribute it to depression.
At the end of December her dad passed away and that made her drop even further into depression. In March she told me she was unhappy and that at this point that anything I could do would probably be to little too late.
Side issue, but related, at the beginning of August, my mom called and told me her lungs are slowly turning into scare tissue, about a third of her lungs are gone now. With the rest of the issues addressed below, I can't do anything to help her and won't even get to see her and it's been almost two years since I last saw her.
Back to main issue: we started seeing a marriage counselor in June, we went twice and she left for her home state refusing to do anything to help repair our marriage.
Now she's been in her home state for the last six weeks. She originally went there to help her mom move and to get some space. Two weeks ago she called me and asked me to come out for our anniversary. I was excited; I thought she was starting to be willing to work on our relationship. Turned out to be a pretense. She wanted to tell me she was pregnant (I'm sure its mine) and not coming back.
I'm excited about our child, but it hurts beyond belief that she won't come back and is now threatening to never bring the child back (I know I can legally fight that, but not something I want to consider yet). I would like to see her come home so that we can work on our marriage before our child is born. I love her and know that she is better than she has been in the past year and a half.
Last weekend I told her that I was feeling really down and afraid that I've lost her and my child. She proceeded to call my commander who proceeded to rush to my house to make sure I'm not suicidal (I'm not nor have ever been, just really down right now) and proceeded to pull me from flying until further notice. So now I don't even have flying left for me. I've got nothing left and she keeps telling me I need to make sacrifices for her. During our marriage I've already sacrificed everything, my f-body hasn't even been running for a year and that's my biggest passion outside of work. I've given everything to her and don't know what is left to sacrifice.
Everyone I know has no clue what I did wrong. I know that I wasn't supporting her the way she needed, but when I tried to identify it, it was impossible - she complains about everything and there is no way to identify what she really needs and where I'm failing her, especially when I was working 12 hours a day, multiple shifts, sometimes 6 days a week; without an option, I always left as soon as I could to get home and take care of her. I know I can do better, but I have no idea how to show her or work on it if she won't help and is 8 hours away.
Now I'm trying to figure out how to repair my marriage, bring home my wife, and see my mom all at once. I've pretty much given up on seeing my mom. Any ideas on how to repair my marriage with my wife refusing to go to therapy and being 8 hours away and refusing to discuss issues would be great. I don't have enough leave to do it all if she stays out there and I will miss my child's birth as her family tends to be 2 to 3 weeks early on delivery.
Any suggestions? I'm falling apart and don't know what to do anymore. I love my wife and want to repair my marriage and have a whole family for our child. I would like to be there for the birth, I would like to be a part of the pregnancy, but the marriage is the most important right now. I've even offered to drive out there once a week (since I'm not flying, it's easy to take leave) for counseling but she won't even agree to that. It would mean missing everything with our first child's pregnancy and birth, but it would be worth it to save the marriage. I'm already using militaryonesource but the counselor didn't have any better idea than that....
Sorry for the novel (a lot still left out), but if anyone reads the whole thing and has ideas, you'd be a God-send for me. Thanks.
08-19-2011, 10:51 PM
Man, you are in a tough situation. I hate to say this, but it really seems like she has made up her mind. And honestly, you are probably not going to be able to change that. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but it's probably the facts. If it were me, I would really focus on my mother and spend as much time as you can with her, because it doesn't sound like there is much time left. After that, start focusing on what relationship you have left with your wife. I really think that the more you call and keep "bugging" her, the more she will push away from you. It kind of sounds like you may have taken her out of her home when you guys got married?? If so, then that may be a big part of the problem there. She leaves home, marries you, you go on deployment, she's all alone with a lot of time to think, and realizes that it really isn't the life style that she really wants. I could be off, and I wish I could give you some better advice. Either way, good luck and I hope it works out for ya. Believe me man, as bad as it sucks, it's not the end of the world.
08-19-2011, 11:13 PM
I appreciate the honesty. That's pretty much how I'm feeling, but I'm not ready to give up. And I'm not talking to her more than a few minutes a day (if I'm lucky). Some days I don't even call, and since she won't call, it means I don't get to talk to her. My mom and I don't have the best relationship, but she is my mom and she doesn't have anyone else where she is. All said, it really is more important to me to save my marriage. For me it really is "for better or for worse, until death do us part". I thought she was the same but now it seems to be "for better or for worse, until death do us part, unless it actually does get worse, then only for better".
As far as taking her from her home, that is kind of what happened. She started taking classes out here when we got married. But she had been going home more than six times a year for at least a week at a time. There definitely is some homesickness though. She did move with me to our current location a year before we got married, so its not like she didn't know what she was getting into. And I've only deployed once, and in my job I'll probably never have to deploy again (although I would like to, but it would probably cost my marriage if it recovers so I'll sacrifice that too. I already gave up a deployment that would have been really good for my career after her dad died so that I could support her).
08-20-2011, 12:38 AM
First off, since she wants to take off for a while, forget about her for a bit. Concentrate on you love (mom) and your passion (Trans Am) to keep your sanity. Call her ONCE a week so she has space away from you. If she misses you, she'll call you. Second, some women just aren't able to cope with being a military wife. They can't handle you being gone so much and there's the thought of you not coming back. Her actions don't seem rational so I'm gonna say that she doesn't seem mature and independent enough for this kind of thing. Third, and I absolutely HATE to be the asshole to say this but keep a little bit reserved that the child is yours. Her depression could have caused her to reach out for comfort or left her vulnerable to fall for what she wanted to hear OR she went outside the marriage and that's fueled her depression especially getting pregnant. Brother please don't hate me for saying that. But women are strange and exotic creatures with a mind of their own and a mind not their own. I was married for 2 years and deployed twice. I wanted to do everything to save our relationship but it wasn't gonna happen for her. I had to suck it up and give her the divorce despite my beliefs and feelings. If it comes to that just remember "Everything IS gonna be ok." Because it really will be. "The Lord giveth and The Lord taketh away." And nothing, not feeling nor marriage is beyond His grasp.
08-20-2011, 01:03 AM
Thanks, I've tried the once a week and all that got was "why won't you make an effort?" from her. If I don't call everyday, I get berated, if I call everyday, its "you need to give me space". Darn rock and a hard space.
I do have that creepy thought in the back of my head that it might not be mine... timing indicates that it's 95% that its mine. Right before she left we took a week trip to try to get away from our shit-hole of a town and focus on us some and timing indicates that it probably occurred then. But it is in the back of my mind. She's exhibiting classic behavior of someone who has cheated and already moved on from everything I've read. That said, I'm willing to forgive (once anyway) and try to repair. Even if the kid does turn out not to be mine if we save our marriage we can provide it a good family. Somethings it just may not be better to know if the marriage is saved.
And I'm really not gone that much. One deployment in eight years of service isn't bad. And it was only 5 months. The work hours the last three years have been horrid, I'm in a 24/7 unit. But the shifts have actually gotten better in the last year and she's seen it. The first two years we were here I was on night shift with no hope of going to days.
As far as the Trans Am (how'd you know anyway? I just said f-body), I'm probably going to start a "full custody fund" instead... if it goes that way it will be a hard fight and I'll need some cash reserves. I've heard too many horror stories of good military fathers losing to horrid mothers just because they were in the military.
She claims she's over the depression, but I don't think so. She's most definitely not the same person I married. She was a caring, loving woman who took care of her friends and family and was kind to me. She's still that way to her blood family and her friends, but since I got back of I'm her punching bag. Since she started claiming to be over her depression she's been even more cold and cruel to me. Pregnancy probably isn't helping her any with the crazy emotions. I've asked her to talk to a priest near where she's staying. I think a neutral, unbiased input would help her think things though. She's been bad-mouthing me to her friends since we got married and I know they are pushing for her to not come back. I know I'm making her sound horrid, but she really isn't. She's a wonderful woman, the depression has just taken its toll on her and our relationship.
08-20-2011, 08:42 AM
Most importantly: Trans Am is the only REAL F-Body in my book! :D As far as getting custody, forget it if you're military. They won't even allow single parents to enlist much less allow you to become one. No court would give you custody. Sorry. :( She is putting you in the catch 22s just to irritate you, women do that. Call once a week and tell her that if SHE wanted to talk more, she has your number. To be painfully honest I think it might be time to start seriously considering a divorce. If she's bad talking about you to friends and cuddling in her parents house, she isn't mature enough to live in a marriage. That's just something you find out after some time and hardship have passed but I think it's clear. Talk to her about it sometime and if she doesn't seem to care or thinks it's a good idea, quickly go to your base JAG and file or she may contact the JAGs first and you'll be stuck paying for a civilian lawyer since the JAGs won't represent both sides in a case.
08-20-2011, 09:30 AM
You may not be able to enlist as a single parent (and I honestly don't know if that's true), but the Air Force doesn't kick anyone out for being a single parent. I have a number of single moms in my squadron. I have a friend at another base who won sole custody of his son, but it did take four years and all the courts prior to that kept giving his dead beat ex-girlfriend full custody (drug user and all as it turned).
I've considered that she might not be as mature as I had thought too sadly. Sad to think. I'm 30 and she's 29; we got married at 28 and 27 respectively so its not like I was fresh out of tech school either.
I know I'm pushing back a lot, and I really do appreciate the feedback, I'm just really wanting to try to find ways to save this before giving up. I know there's a real chance it will go down that road, but I do want to save it. And on the chance I can't, if she gets full custody and talks badly about me to our child, I want to be able to prove to them when they are an adult that I did absolutely everything I could to help the marriage and to get them. I don't want my child to become alienated from me.
08-20-2011, 10:12 AM
I'm not military but I can tell you from my past situation that marriage counseling only made things worse for me. Long story short she was messing around and wouldn't even consider making things right at home. 13yrs worth down the drain. I've since remarried and love and feel loved more than ever. So even if it ends it may be fore a good reason.
You can't force her into changing her mind, you can't make her want to work it out. She has to see it for herself. Pressure will just push her away. You've got to get to the root of the problem and make it right. Give her the attention she wants without pushing it down her throat. If she cares she'll come around.
08-20-2011, 04:20 PM
Red91z, sorry to hear about your previous marriage, but I'm glad to hear your happy now.
I know I can't force her, but there must be things I can do to help our relationship. Doing nothing doesn't help. I just realized I left it out, but she has told me that it's completely up to me to find ways to work on our relationship if I want it to work. I know that's wrong, a relationship takes two people putting in full effort, but I'm not willing to give up. A few minutes ago she finally agreed to talk to our priest on the phone after I talk to him, but she said she didn't see anything to talk to him about. I've been wanting her to talk to a true neutral third party as all her friends and family and all of mine are clearly biased one way or another. I've heard a lot of people recently say that about marriage counseling though - it almost seems like the counselors like divorce. But I'm hoping our priest can help, for religious people I've often heard that ministers/priest/rabbis/etc often can be very helpful.
08-20-2011, 08:16 PM
People like to say that a relationship is a 50/50 deal but it's not...ever. That's always the goal tho. Relationships are FOR when someone can only do 20, the other can pull the other 80...but not for all time as that just wears a person out. I think it's foot to get your priest to mediate. However if she's not willing to even try then it's all a lost cause. Even of you could convince her to come back even tho she doesn't want to, it would be a miserable time.
As for the child, if it IS IN FACT yours (and do get proof even of she does raise a fit about trust) then you are tied to that child for life. No time is too early to be involved with the kid and there will be a time later on when he/she asks why you and mommy aren't together. Deal with that bridge when you get there.
08-20-2011, 08:36 PM
Well, I just got done talking to my priest. He said he would call her. He doesn't get it either; at least not from my perspective. It would have been a world of better if we could go to him together. I like sticking to religious methods (to each their own) because it helps you think things through in ways that you understand and already have firm beliefs in. She said she would talk to him... I'm just hoping she'll listen too.
Definitely agree with the 50/50 goal, but that it rarely (if ever is that). That being said, just like you said, when one needs support or help the other puts in more. It definitely shouldn't be forever that way though.
IF it doesn't work out I'm definitely getting proof that he/she is mine. If the marriage is repaired and good I'd rather not know and just raise it as my own either way. Considering we were on vacation together during the calculated week of conception it more than likely is mine... but I do know that is fuzzy math at best.
The priest also says that doing nothing and just giving her a chance to pull her act together would probably make things worse -- she'll just continue to do her own thing and it will grow. On the other hand he also says that there's nothing that really can be done while she stays out there. That she needs to remember her vows and make a choice about love. Love is a choice once the "honeymoon" phase ends. She's even said that but it seems like she refuses to make a choice and expects me to bring back the "honeymoon" phase.
08-21-2011, 12:03 PM
It's time to get divorce papers. She has not only told you she is done, she called your commander to keep you from being able to try and see her. You will be granted visitation by the court so you don't have to worry about seeing your kid/kids. As for her being pregnant, I would want to know 100% for sure now. You need to get off your ass and go see your mom and spend time with her. That's your mom, she clothed you, fed you, and provided for you. She was there for you now its time for you to be there for her. You are heading for a lot of heartache and regret more than likely. Anyone who goes out of there way to make someone miserable should be alone. You sound like a good person that needs to put a stop to the bullshit. Sad thing is it is only going to get worse for you. I have seen this happen before and it ended up having a negative impact on the soldiers career.
08-21-2011, 12:09 PM
Scratch the seeing her part, I was so goddamn pissed by all this I couldn't remember what you had wrote.
08-21-2011, 02:25 PM
Thanks. I'm pretty lucky in that I'm in a unit that I can take leave as required right now though. And my commander has been through a similar experience and is being very supportive of me right now. While I'm not getting to fly, I'm still making myself useful around the unit; I'm even being sent on a critical TDY next week. I don't think my career will be ruined over this; I'm pretty lucky to have the commander that I have right now.
The hard part is getting her to be less self-focused. I'm hoping the priest will open her heart some though. The other hard part is to get her to stop only looking to the past - hindsight is 20/20 and all. But now we need to work on the future. Luckily last night she agreed to at least commit to the relationship. Yeah, it's just words, but it's a step in the right direction. I did talk to my mom about this last night though, and she wants me to try to salvage the relationship and focus on the unborn child as well. If her health does take a turn for the worse though, I am going to visit her.
08-21-2011, 03:48 PM
Women are like whales in that whales sometimes beach themselves and die. Surely they know the water is shallow and to be out of water long would mean death. And yet even when saved by people pushing them back in the water, they often beach themselves right back again. Women are sometimes this way with relationships.
08-21-2011, 05:03 PM
That's a pretty funny comparison, but in a very twisted but true way it definitely hits home. She talked to me last night finally and she said she would do something I asked that might help with our relationship, at least help with our communication, now just time to see if she follows through.
08-21-2011, 07:50 PM
Just make sure she is not dangeling you on a string, have you ever considered that maybe shes not happy because she dosnt want to be with you? Im sorry to also say i would do a paternety test to make sure the baby is yours too. two years of marriage is not that long especially when you were deployed most of that time so maybe she relized that she rushed in and all her problems are comming from wanting to get out of the relationship and you trying to hold on and not let her go, also her calling your commander was not a good move, she seems to be the cause of your downward spiral also, I am military and have seen it time and time again, be the strong one and let her go, and then wait to see her reaction.
08-21-2011, 09:07 PM
I know you don't want to hear this, but like others have said, it honestly sounds like she does not want to be with you. It's easier said than done, but get the paternity test and move on. You only get 1 life, why spend it unhappy? I know you said your commander is cool, but as you know commanders come and go, the next one may not handle this so casually ..that was a very bold move on her part and if she continues acts like that, red flags will be thrown no matter how easy going your commander is. You do NOT want the military in your personal business, get it taken care of before the military gets involved and ruins your career.
08-29-2011, 11:04 PM
You have tried as much as you could have to try and get her help. I have a saying I have told my Marines years ago regarding teaching and helping people who dont want help.
"You can lead the horse to water and drowned it but unless it wants to it stll wont drink the damn water"
If she will not get help for herself no matter how much you want her to or offer to take her and go with her, it has to be her decision. It took me years to realize that when I finally went and saw a herapist. Divorce isn't always the answer but sometimes it is necessary. My wife and I tried that but some how we worked it out after not being together for almost 3 years. We were both dating other people and had our own lives but something happened and we started seeing each other and sleeping with each other.
I was cheating on my GF with my Wife, how fucked up is that. LOL
The military life is hard on people and some just dont want to be in that life. Maybe the best thing to do is take a break from marriage and do your own thing for a while. Oh and if she's pulling this shit with your command, she has got to go. I had Marines who's Ex's and wives pulled this shit and all I wanted to do was shove a boot in their mouth for fucking with someones career.
I had a MArines wife who was banned from the PX because she was CRAZY!!!!!! broad would just flip out on people and think it was ok to tell people off no matter who it was.
08-31-2011, 04:38 AM
dang my buddy had the same situation but they have 2 kids already when it happend. His took alot of time but no matter what he stuck by her side and the main thing is to let her know your there when she needs you to the best of you ability thats what my friend did. She did move back home for awhile but it helped her mom helped her stay strong. As of right now she is back at home with him there happy and also what helped it alot was having close friends yall both know around to support in any way the can. Good luck brother and i hope everything gets better. My prayers go out to your mom and hope she gets better.
09-01-2011, 12:11 AM
hmmm if it were me. id say f that bitch and go spend some time with my mother good relationship or not. shes not even willing to try and your questioning if the kid is even yours. sounds like a no brainer.
09-16-2011, 03:54 PM
Man that is a tough situation you are in, but I have to agree with another poster who said be reserved about the whole kid being yours thing. I know on my last deployment my ex was with Jody within 30 days of me being in country. Honestly man some of the depression could stem from the fact that she is sad about cheating. I know it sucks ass bro, trust me, but if you let this consume your whole life then you wont be able to live your own. You cant make everybody happy bro, I learned that the hard way.
09-16-2011, 10:23 PM
first things first, you can only control what your doing , not what she is doing, spend time with your mom get your mind clear, life is way to short to dwell or stress on what she will or wont do, i'm not a marriage counselor by no means, retired armor senior Nco thats telling you get your head on straight focus on the good in your life and man-up, if your getting up everyday and putting your boots on its a great day, enjoy life , you control your path in life not her. Any how God Bless and Take Care
09-20-2011, 07:29 AM
I can't say that I agree with most in this post. First off im sorry for you situation, I couldn't imagine what your going through. Thankfully you have a good commander that is understanding and possibly indirectly helping you by not letting you fly and having leave be easier to take.
If I was in your shoes, after hearing she is wanting to try to work it out I would try to show her why you got married in the first place. We all know when we first start dating to when we are married a lot changes, so try to show her who she fell in love with. When my wife's dad died she was very very depressed. Thankfully she never had doubts of where she was in her life but for i'd say a year after he'd passed I was defiantly pulling much more than my weight in the relationship. Losing a parent especially if you close cannot be easy, my mother had breast cancer and wound up pulling through and is doing good now, however when she was in bad shape I was in HORRIBLE shape. It sounds like she may be feeling better, however there will still be times she will be reminded of her dad and she may revert to depression easily. It took my wife over a year to START to cope with her fathers passing, still to this day 5 years later she will randomly say, " I went to the phone to call my dad today, I can't believe hes gone."
So with that being said, I wouldn't try to solve her problems, she will deal with it how she wants, regardless of what is reasonable. If I was in your shoes, i'd make it a point to send her flowers, or chocolates something she would like, head out on a day off and take her to dinner or a movie or something and just enjoy each other like your dating. Show her that you love her and despite whats been happening you want to be with her. Its not gonna be a 50/50 deal, you will be putting a lot out there. However it sounds like your willing.
With all that said, the biggest thing I can offer, would be don't try to solve her problem. Just talk to her and treat her like you are dating and see where it goes. Hope that makes some kind of sense.