Originally Posted by NataSS Inc a LOOOOOONG time ago

First and foremost to completely ruin a day you must first decide WHICH day you want to ruin. In my case, I picked Wednesday. Why??, no particular reason.

Now the night prior to the day you want to ruin (or be ruined all the way through) you need to have your buddy of 15 years tell you "hey man, ever had any ""Brass Monkey""? Over the course of my military career, traveling the world, becoming an alcoholic and generally consuming every known form of alcohol, I had never tried "Brass Monkey". So I tell my good buddy of 15 years "nah man, never had it. What is in it?” He goes into detail about how to properly mix this concoction of a ghetto mimosa made famous by the Beastie boys. First you must go out and purchase a 40oz bottle of Old English 800 malt liquor (from this point forward we will refer to it as OE8 double ought). HOWEVER, you just cant pick up 1 bottle because according to your good buddy of 15 years this **** is so good that you'll need more than 1 40 oz, so you better pick up 2. OH!!!!!, forgot to mention, DO NOT, under any circumstances, eat any lunch or dinner the day that you purchase the OE8 double ought.

Once you have obtained a couple bottles of this fine fine fine malt liquor, crack that cheap *** lid of it and guzzle it down to the top of the label on the bottle. Then take the best OJ you can find and fill it up to the curvature of the bottle, turn the bottle upside down a couple of times, wala! BRASS MONKEY! I should have known this **** was going to be ugly as soon as I cracked the lid on the first bottle of OE8 double ought. It stank up the whole kitchen. Once you have mixed everything up, go to the living room, fire up your XBOX; insert Halo 2 disk and go on line. Once you get on line find you good buddy of 15 years and tell him all about this fine mixture of malt liquor and orange juice. Suprisingly the mixture is pretty damn good, so rather than just taking a few drinks you have to guzzle the stuff. After draining the first bottle of OE8 double ought, run your *** right to the refrigerator, grab that second bottle the whole time telling your good buddy of 15 years through your XBOX communicator how much of a damn genius he is for giving you the recipe to this combo.

No joke, this stuff is pretty good. At first I was unsure of what this was going to taste like. But the good buddy of 15 years kept telling me "you'll love it". He was right, the first bottle went down smooooooooth. The second bottle has to be just as good as the first. And again, while playing Halo 2 on line with your good buddy of 15 years, guzzle that second bottle of ghetto juice as fast as you can put it down. Don’t forget to refer to your "monkey" as much as possible throughout the night.

This is when **** goes bad. About the time you go to take that last little drink of mostly foam on the bottom of the second 40oz'er is when it hits. And when it hits, it’s a ******* train wreck. No ""Wow I got a good buzz rollin' here" or "Man, I feel pretty good right now" your *** goes straight from stone sober to 15 car pile up, 3 alarm fire, call the marines, drunk. And seeing as how you have now entered what one might call "the twilight zone" enduced by this fine mixture you cant tell how bad your slurring your words and how your game play on line is suffering. You are so inebriated that you think the people on your team are yelling at the other team, only to find out later that you were using the sniper on your own team mates because the very contrasting colors of red and blue have become a kind of blurry unrecognizable blob. I thought the enemy team was red, when in fact we were red. So after killing my own teammates for a while I finally figured it out. As you continue to play throughout the evening, your gameplay will continue to get worse and worse. To the point that you cant hit the broad side of a barn.

Thats when it happens. The OE8double ought goes into high gear. It’s going straight for the brain cells that control just about every function in your body. I knew it was just about over when I toggled to the left with my XBOX controller and when the screen spun, so did my brain. This sends you directly into "control vomit phase". If you have hit this phase, you already know it’s the beginning of the end. The only question is how long is the "control vomit phase" going to last? Now without any notice, spill yourself onto the floor and make your way (most likely on your hand ands knees) and turn off your XBOX. Totally screwing your buddies by leaving them a man down in the middle of a game. Everytime you take a breath and exhale, your not sure if there is going to be something other that carbon dioxide coming out of your mouth, mainly the 80oz's of OE8 double ought.

Thats when the hot flashes hit and you know its coming, run your *** to the bathroom, assume the position gripping the porcelain and with all of you might and....HEAVE. Don’t do it once or twice, do it for about 20 minutes. You know, long enough so that when you wake up in the morning it feels like you have been doing sit-ups all night. Once you are pretty sure you have emptied the contents of your stomach in the toilet, stagger to your feet and wash you face and rinse your mouth with cold water. Crawl up the stairs and try to sneak into your bed while your 8 months pregnant wife is sleeping. Now trip while your doing this to wake her up. I don’t even need to explain this part, so I wont.

Fast-forward a few hours, BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP, yup that’s your alarm clock. It might as well be a 747 taking off in your bedroom. Now here is something you have to do right when you hear that alarm clock squealing at you.......sit up as fast as possible. This will cause you to fly into a euphoric state of almost nothingness. The down side is that the euphoric state wears off in about 3 seconds and then its right back into "control vomit mode". As you make your way over to turn off the alarm clock you notice that you have already missed your bus to get into the office. Now beg your spouse to drive you to the "park and ride" so you can catch the later bus. The entire time your on your way to the "park and ride", ask, no, BEG your spouse to degrade you as much as possible during the whole trip for being a drunk (even though you haven’t had anything to drink almost 2 weeks prior). Now that you’re at the park and ride and you have hopped on your bus and still in the "control vomit mode".

When you arrive at the office after making everyone on the bus drunk with the vapors being exuded through the pours in your skin head directly to the "vomitorium" (see: elevator) and try to keep from retching all over the others that are crammed into this vertical cattle car with you. As you head through the office door, stop and say good morning to the receptionist and have her tell you "MY GOD, you look like ****". Dart back to your desk and PRAY that the boss isn’t running around, be as quiet as possible. For 2 reasons, loud noises actually hurt at this point and you dont want to draw any unnecessary attention to yourself.

Then spend the rest of the day sitting at your desk wondering if your stomach is going to purge itself on your keyboard and making as few movements as possible. Hopefully by noonish you should have shaken the "monkey" off your back.

What’s the moral of this story you might ask? Stay the **** away from MALT LIQUOR!