2 jokes for friday
02-11-2011, 08:51 AM
#1
2 jokes for friday The Cremated Husband
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
"Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."
THE KISS
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl ..."
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
"Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."
THE KISS
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl ..."
02-11-2011, 10:21 AM
#5
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair...
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair...
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
02-11-2011, 02:15 PM
#7
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's not safe', replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad', said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife is coming on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose.'
The doctor finally relented, saying, 'Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'What happened to you?'
The man replied, 'No one showed up.'
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's not safe', replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad', said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife is coming on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose.'
The doctor finally relented, saying, 'Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'What happened to you?'
The man replied, 'No one showed up.'
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02-11-2011, 03:07 PM
#9
A man's wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to him, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.I really need you to pay me a compliment.' He replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
02-14-2011, 06:37 AM
#13
monday continueation An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan." This
is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I
want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and
this Christian Family.'
No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face
me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and
in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your
transgression.' Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux
Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard
under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation
roared.
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan." This
is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I
want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and
this Christian Family.'
No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face
me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and
in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your
transgression.' Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux
Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard
under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation
roared.