LS1TECH - Camaro and Firebird Forum Discussion - Kill: It didn't involve any LS1's, but it DID involve pennies!!

*Inspired by true events*

Have you ever wondered, if Dale Earndhart drove an SUV, what would it be? Personally I'd shoot for something like, oh I dunno, a Tahoe or Suburban? Maybe one fo those gargantuan Excursions or the like? I bet you never could quite imagine 'The Intimidator' himself piloting ...an Acura MDX truck now did ya? Me either, but after my experience during Friday evenings' commute home well, I might just be convinced there's a little "number 3" under the hood of Honda's cushy SUV, or at least one of them.

It started off as innocently any other Friday evening journey home. Thanks to the wonderful people of the Hialeah Building & Code dept., my job currently has me commuting over 50 miles in S. Florida traffic from south Kendall to Plantation everyday while permits are delayed for the construction of our new office in Hialeah. Nothing like a 1hr:30min+ ride to wake you up :hammer: Anyhow, it's a sunny and warm (read HOT and HUMID) Friday, 5pm, windows down in the 'interior-less' Civic hatchback (you know, the one without A/C..), jamming away with some 99.9 Kiss Country courtesy of my 1988 JVC stereo with one full-time speaker and one-part time backup that'll only function with the right amount of body rattle over 70-mph. Visions of a nice dinner with my wife keep me cheery as I haul my way down I-75, parting traffic like Moses at the Red Sea.. Guess the site of a 90-mph booger-green object with a cracked windshield and no drivers side mirror is enough to convince even the most territorial of Cadillac drivers to scoot over a lane and let the goblin through. :drive:

I manage about 45mins of driving while mentally detatched, before I finally merge with the death of all highways, the god forsaken Palmetto expressway, home to more road rage violence than a Mexican thoroughfare on the borders of Guadalupe during Cinco-de-Mayo. Traffic was actually.. not bad at all, and within another 20mins I was fast approaching my exit before I catch site of minor gridlock maybe half a mile up. I slowly snake my up through the holdup to see a State Trooper with lights on, blocking the right lane of what at this point is only a 2 lane highway (where the Palmetto and 874 split off). Evidently two other vehicles had been previously engaged in comprehensive SRS systems tests (boy that '92 Toyota Corolla can take quite a smashing! :judge: ) and so only one lane of traffic was cleared to pass. I approach the scene and I realize there is an 18-wheeler stuck in the blocked lane, just behind the point where the Troopers blocked it off. Sitting helplessly there for countless minutes with his left-turn signal on, blinking aimlessly as people whiz right by him on their own way, I approach and decide to be the good samaritan my mother always taught me to be. I gently brake and slow to a stop just before the trailer while flashing my high beams a few times to signal the "all clear" the the driver of the semi. The woman in the black SUV behind me had other ideas...

My tranquil moment of generosity, broken by the blare of an SUV horn about 5' from the back of my head, I glance back to see an older woman with one hand glued to a cell phone, pounding the steering wheel/horn with the other. Her disgust was evident, and to tell you the truth I think I feel more for the person on the other end of the phone call from the way she was screaming back there! This goes on for a solid 30 seconds or so as the semi makes his way around the wreck and into my lane. We begin accelerating and, sure enough, the woman on my tail with the hand glued to the horn is creeping along a good 1-2" from my bumper.. Supprised? I think not. Once cleared of the accident, the woman in the SUV, once again right on cue, yanks the wheel to the right and mashed the accelerator in an attempt to slingshot past me, a move that would've made old' #3 himself quite proud. Unfortunatley, her desire to make a statement evidently foiled her from noticing the 20-ton semi just ahead of us who also decided to make the right lane his new home. I couldn't help but crack a smile as I watched the nose of the MDX nearly kiss the pavement after grandma slams the brakes to avoid tagging the trailer. On a side note, those MDX's have some killer brakes!

Her evil plot foiled, I continue along my merry way now passing the truck on the left lane. Not to be out done, Cruella DeVille immediatley cuts back into the lane behind me (nearly tearing off someone's front bumper in the process) and proceeds to tail me as I slowly gain speed. As an extra touch of disgust, her headlights suddenly turn on.. high-beams. Hrmm, I guess in all her anger she felt giving me the beams would prove to be quite the meanace for me. What she failed to realize is that generally, highbeams don't really have a tremendous "annoyance" effect during the DAYTIME :eyes: I guess the fact that I still had sungalsses on didn't tip her off, but hey who am I to burst her bubble.

The front of the semi passes quickly and I think to myself "Finally! The Crypt keeper can pass me and I can go back to daydreaming in peace". Yet again, the black charriot of evil has different intentions. By this time I'm doing a solid 70mph, MDX still no more than 3" from my tail. The right lane has long since opened up as evidenced by the 2 or 3 cars who've passed us by this time, she's made it obvious that it's her intent to aggrivate me as long as possible in retalitaon for being ...a decent person. *Shakes head* A number of things pop into my head as ways to shake her from my tail. "Brake check? Nah, I'm in a 2100lb hatch, she'll run me over without knowing. Toss the booger in 3rd and nail it? Nah, who am I kidding this little SOHC can't out run a county garbage truck..". It was right about this time the 'brilliant!' light in my head goes off, a masterplan of revenge and deterence all wrapped up in one simple and concise action. *Opens ash tray*.. "ahh yes, a commuters best friend.. pennies". :devil:

Before I commence with the act, I want to ensure this lady is truly doing this to upset me and not simply a case of Taco-Bell induced emergency diahrea bull rush (you know, they really should make a lane for this..) I speed up to 75mph, she proceeds to tail me, up to 80mph, still there. Crank up the speedo to a solid 85+mph and she's still drafting me like we're on the back stretch at Daytona. The right lane has long been open, so if she's still tailing me, highbeams and all, it's pretty evident what her intent is, and it's working as my aggitation level is slowly but surley rising. I decided at this point, "it's time..", and issue the executive order to my left hand.

Grab a handful of Abe Lincoln's while keeping one eye straight ahead and one glued to the rearview for "brearings-to-target". Final adjustments for windspeed, yaw and trajectory are made.. 3-2-1 FIRE! With that the sky between my window and her hood is momentarily loaded with 1/2" copper missles on a direct course for the black hood just inches off my tail.. and it didn't take long for them to get there. *PING-POP-POW*, like a series of firecrackers going off at a Chinese festival, it's a sudden rash of quick pings as the pennies land a direct hit on enemy sheetmetal! :eek2: Another stab of the brakes for the MDX and before I knew it, she was all but a spec in my rearview. I slow to around 60-ish to see if perhaps there would be a retalitory strike of some kind.. no dice, the SUV refuses to get within 4-5 cars of my bumper while the woman, half paralized with fear simply stares ahead in awe having dropper her cell phone somewhere in the attack.

The road does a quick spit for another exit, I scoot over to the right and take the exit ramp which actually leads to a small stretch of another highway that re-merges with the road I was just on. After clearing the guardrail, I glance over and notice the black MDX now a few cars ahead of me, continues through traffic at a rather 'normal' pace. Traffic hits a wall just ahead as we approach two major exits (one being mine). The MDX I spot slowed to a stop in one lane, while the lane just to the right of it continues slowly past. I decide to go ahead and squirm on past her wondering if maybe she'll spot me. Will her window go down and I be showered with an array of vulgar explitives? Maybe she'll just cut the wheel and attempt to crush my tuna can? Neither.. I slowly roll past the truck only to see Vader (dressed in all black no less) squezing the steering wheel with both hands, pale faced, looking straight ahead with a semi shocked/horrified look. Needless to say I was a bit supprised, she didn't even notice me mosey on past her. And the truck? Well, I don't think Acura sells MDX's with custom silver pitted streaks along the hood now do they? :jest:

Alas I make my way home and enjoy a nice quiet evening with the wife, but for the rest of night I couldn't help but wonder just one thing... how much spare change do I still have in the Civic?? The world may never know..

Cliffs: Old hag decides to play "push the Civic off the road" with me for being a nice guy, ends up with a face full of :eek2: and a trip to Maco!

Note- No LS1's were harmed in the making of this kill story.