good stuff.
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From: East Side Performance! mASShole
good stuff. A 5 year old's first job
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that
we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew
began to build a house on the empty lot.
The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on
and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "Gems-in-the-rough," (more or less), adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her
ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied,
"I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working
this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those ******** at Home Depot
ever deliver the ******' Sheet Rock..."
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that
we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew
began to build a house on the empty lot.
The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on
and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "Gems-in-the-rough," (more or less), adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her
ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied,
"I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working
this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those ******** at Home Depot
ever deliver the ******' Sheet Rock..."
Thread Starter
8 second mod
iTrader: (37)
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 17,879
Likes: 1
From: East Side Performance! mASShole
another good one.
The boss was facing cutbacks and had to let somebody go.
He narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because the were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would dismiss the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like ****.'
The boss was facing cutbacks and had to let somebody go.
He narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because the were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would dismiss the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like ****.'
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Here's another good one!
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a
knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation
and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?'
Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'
Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job! No
hand-job is worth that kind of money!'
The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the
corner?'
'Yes.'
'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'
'Yes.'
'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'
'Yes.'
'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own
those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'
Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll
give it a try.'
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later,
the guy is sitting
on the bed realizing that he just experienced the
hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says,
'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?' The hooker replies, '$1,500.'
'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!' The hooker
replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino
just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it
because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific
hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and
says, 'Sign me up.'
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more
amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly
got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement
savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the
hooker,'How much for some *****?' The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I
want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las
Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling
palaces, and showplaces?'
'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole
city?'
'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a
*****.'
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a
knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation
and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?'
Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'
Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job! No
hand-job is worth that kind of money!'
The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the
corner?'
'Yes.'
'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'
'Yes.'
'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'
'Yes.'
'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own
those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'
Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll
give it a try.'
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later,
the guy is sitting
on the bed realizing that he just experienced the
hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says,
'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?' The hooker replies, '$1,500.'
'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!' The hooker
replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino
just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it
because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific
hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and
says, 'Sign me up.'
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more
amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly
got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement
savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the
hooker,'How much for some *****?' The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I
want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las
Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling
palaces, and showplaces?'
'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole
city?'
'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a
*****.'
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I got one for ya:
Hitchhiker is walking down the road, and a truck driver stops to pick him up. Hitchhiker gets in the truck and says “thanks for the ride”, and sits down. As he sits down, a Monkey comes flying out from under the seat, and the hitch hiker says “woah, what’s up with the monkey?” Truck driver replies “ well, the monkey does help me out on trips”. Hitch hiker says “yeah, what’s he do? Truck driver says “monkey, do the windshield” Monkey grabs a squeegee from behind the seat, and goes out and does the windshield, and goes back into the truck. Truck driver gives him a banana, and the monkey eats it. Hitchhiker sits there for a while, and says “well ya have wipers, why have a monkey?” So the truck driver replies “the monkey does some other stuff too, watch this” He then tells the monkey to go check the tires as they’re doing down the interstate. Monkey goes out the window, and goes around the truck looking at the tires, comes back in and gives the driver a thumb’s up. The driver then gives the monkey another banana, and the monkey eats it. A while goes buy again, and the hitchhiker says “ the monkey thing, I still don’t get it. They have monitors for tires now, and the windshield wipers look like they work” The truck driver smiles, and says “well, the monkey does one other neat trick” Of course the hitchhiker looks at him as if he’s gonna give the monkey a command, but instead the driver grabs the monkey by the head, and smashes his head on the dash board. The monkey then gets up in a daze, goes over, gives the driver a ******* and goes under the seat and takes a nap. Of couese, the hitchhiker is looking at this in amazment, not knowing what to say. The monkey gets up a little while later, the driver gives him a banana, and the monkey eats. It. The hitchhiker, then asks the driver if he would mind if he gave that last monkey trick a try……. So the truck driver grabs the hicth hiker by the back of the head, and smashes his head into the dash board!
Hitchhiker is walking down the road, and a truck driver stops to pick him up. Hitchhiker gets in the truck and says “thanks for the ride”, and sits down. As he sits down, a Monkey comes flying out from under the seat, and the hitch hiker says “woah, what’s up with the monkey?” Truck driver replies “ well, the monkey does help me out on trips”. Hitch hiker says “yeah, what’s he do? Truck driver says “monkey, do the windshield” Monkey grabs a squeegee from behind the seat, and goes out and does the windshield, and goes back into the truck. Truck driver gives him a banana, and the monkey eats it. Hitchhiker sits there for a while, and says “well ya have wipers, why have a monkey?” So the truck driver replies “the monkey does some other stuff too, watch this” He then tells the monkey to go check the tires as they’re doing down the interstate. Monkey goes out the window, and goes around the truck looking at the tires, comes back in and gives the driver a thumb’s up. The driver then gives the monkey another banana, and the monkey eats it. A while goes buy again, and the hitchhiker says “ the monkey thing, I still don’t get it. They have monitors for tires now, and the windshield wipers look like they work” The truck driver smiles, and says “well, the monkey does one other neat trick” Of course the hitchhiker looks at him as if he’s gonna give the monkey a command, but instead the driver grabs the monkey by the head, and smashes his head on the dash board. The monkey then gets up in a daze, goes over, gives the driver a ******* and goes under the seat and takes a nap. Of couese, the hitchhiker is looking at this in amazment, not knowing what to say. The monkey gets up a little while later, the driver gives him a banana, and the monkey eats. It. The hitchhiker, then asks the driver if he would mind if he gave that last monkey trick a try……. So the truck driver grabs the hicth hiker by the back of the head, and smashes his head into the dash board!
Damn Krazy, that's one to remember. One of the funniest I've heard in a while. 
The other one's were funny too but that one kills me.
The other one's were funny too but that one kills me.
Last edited by DannoWS6; Apr 16, 2008 at 02:07 PM.
This one might offend some people, but I bet most will laugh, out loud.
NWS
13 year old girl goes in to take a shower. She’s been in the bathroom for about ½ an hour, the mother has to leave to go to her bowling league, but needs to use the bathroom. She looks at the father and says “ I need to get going, I’m gonna go check on her, see what’s going on in there” Father replies “ yeah, I need to take a leak, check and see what’s up” Mother goes into the bathroom, sits on the pot to take a ****, and asks the daughter if everything is o.k. She replies “ I’m fine” She looks outside, and can see down her mom’s shirt, and says “hey mom, what are those” Mom says “what are what?” Girl points down her shirt and says “those” Mon says “these, these are ****”. Girl replies “wow, when am I gonna get some of those?” Mom says “wekl, your 13 now, so any time they should probably start to grow” Mom gets up and leaves the bathroom. Dad asks mom what’s going on in there, she replies “nothing I guess, I have to go” Dad then goes in to take a ****, and is standing at the toilet taking a ****, girl looks outside and says “ wow, what is that?” Dad says “what is what”? Girl points at his junk and says “that, what is that?” Dad says “oh this, this is a ****” Girl says “ wow, when am I gonna get one of those?” Dad smiles, and replies “about 10 minutes after your mother leaves”
NWS
13 year old girl goes in to take a shower. She’s been in the bathroom for about ½ an hour, the mother has to leave to go to her bowling league, but needs to use the bathroom. She looks at the father and says “ I need to get going, I’m gonna go check on her, see what’s going on in there” Father replies “ yeah, I need to take a leak, check and see what’s up” Mother goes into the bathroom, sits on the pot to take a ****, and asks the daughter if everything is o.k. She replies “ I’m fine” She looks outside, and can see down her mom’s shirt, and says “hey mom, what are those” Mom says “what are what?” Girl points down her shirt and says “those” Mon says “these, these are ****”. Girl replies “wow, when am I gonna get some of those?” Mom says “wekl, your 13 now, so any time they should probably start to grow” Mom gets up and leaves the bathroom. Dad asks mom what’s going on in there, she replies “nothing I guess, I have to go” Dad then goes in to take a ****, and is standing at the toilet taking a ****, girl looks outside and says “ wow, what is that?” Dad says “what is what”? Girl points at his junk and says “that, what is that?” Dad says “oh this, this is a ****” Girl says “ wow, when am I gonna get one of those?” Dad smiles, and replies “about 10 minutes after your mother leaves”
LOL, I warned people it's NWS.
I've told that joke at a car show, with probably 100 people around, 1/2 of which I know were listening. Funny to see the reactions on people's faces, the people with kids all run away, a good # of people laugh profusly, and some just shake their heads, it's fun.
I've told that joke at a car show, with probably 100 people around, 1/2 of which I know were listening. Funny to see the reactions on people's faces, the people with kids all run away, a good # of people laugh profusly, and some just shake their heads, it's fun.