I sure would hate to be the janitor at that place. 
07 Joke Thread
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From: Marysville, WA
07 Joke Thread A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. So he drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "I just had some ice cream....."
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "I just had some ice cream....."
Thread Starter
10 Second Club
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From: Marysville, WA
Round 2
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"****" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"****" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center
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Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 749
Likes: 21
Originally Posted by WAHUSKER
Round 2
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"****" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"****" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center
TECH Resident
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 776
Likes: 0
From: Monroe, Washington
adding to the thread... Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
TECH Resident
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 776
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From: Monroe, Washington
Another one, I couldn't resist... 
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother,"so how was the honeymoon?"
Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?
WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must! tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother,"so how was the honeymoon?"
Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?
WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must! tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother
LOL! That sounds like something my wife & her mom would do.
Originally Posted by 1BAD95Z
Another one, I couldn't resist...
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother,"so how was the honeymoon?"
Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?
WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must! tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother,"so how was the honeymoon?"
Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?
WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must! tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother
Trending Topics
One more quick one I found today on the net while at work...not super funny, but probably worth posting:
What the Mechanic is Really Telling You!
For those who are backyard mechanics; we have translated some terms that we have heard you use:
Term: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be rusted into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Term: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Term: This is a tight fit.
Translation: No chance! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Term: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Term: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Term: Inspect...
Translation: Squint really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice: "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Term: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Term: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Term: Everyday toolkit...
Translation: Ensure you have phone nearby to call for help.
Term: Replace old gasket with a new one...
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.
What the Mechanic is Really Telling You!
For those who are backyard mechanics; we have translated some terms that we have heard you use:
Term: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be rusted into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Term: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Term: This is a tight fit.
Translation: No chance! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Term: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Term: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Term: Inspect...
Translation: Squint really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice: "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Term: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Term: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Term: Everyday toolkit...
Translation: Ensure you have phone nearby to call for help.
Term: Replace old gasket with a new one...
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.
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On The Tree
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 197
Likes: 0
Ten Muscle Car Commandments
1. Thou shalt not read Popular Hot Rodding, GM High Tech Performance, or Car Craft on company time, lest thy employer elliminate your car payments.
2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's car nor his garage, nor his battery charger, nor his MIG welder.
3. Thou shalt not store thy car outdoors; except for the wife's econo-car.
4. Thou shalt not deceive thy wife into thinking that thee is taking her for a romantic Sunday drive when indeed thou art going out to look at another car.
5. Thou shalt not love thy cars more than thy wife and children (unless it's a real bitchin' sled)
6. Thou shalt not laugh at thy neighbor's Rustang, nor his Del Slow, nor even his VW Dung Beetle, for the meek may inherit the win light (if you break).
7. Thou shalt not tell thy spouse the entire cost of thy latest repair-mod, and paper records are strickly forbidden.
8. Thou shalt not promise thy wife a new addition for the house and then use it to store cars.
9. Thou shalt not allow thy offsping to wedd in race season.
10. Thou shalt not buy thy wife a floor jack for Christmas (unless she's really cool).
1. Thou shalt not read Popular Hot Rodding, GM High Tech Performance, or Car Craft on company time, lest thy employer elliminate your car payments.
2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's car nor his garage, nor his battery charger, nor his MIG welder.
3. Thou shalt not store thy car outdoors; except for the wife's econo-car.
4. Thou shalt not deceive thy wife into thinking that thee is taking her for a romantic Sunday drive when indeed thou art going out to look at another car.
5. Thou shalt not love thy cars more than thy wife and children (unless it's a real bitchin' sled)
6. Thou shalt not laugh at thy neighbor's Rustang, nor his Del Slow, nor even his VW Dung Beetle, for the meek may inherit the win light (if you break).
7. Thou shalt not tell thy spouse the entire cost of thy latest repair-mod, and paper records are strickly forbidden.
8. Thou shalt not promise thy wife a new addition for the house and then use it to store cars.
9. Thou shalt not allow thy offsping to wedd in race season.
10. Thou shalt not buy thy wife a floor jack for Christmas (unless she's really cool).
On The Tree
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 197
Likes: 0
MS vs. GM
Mr. Gates wanted to impress everyone at his latest dinner party which included Bob Lutz. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.
The comparison went like this: "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour; or we'd have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
In response to all this goating, Lutz replied "Yeah, but would you really want a car that's archaic in 3 months and crashes twice a day?"
Mr. Gates wanted to impress everyone at his latest dinner party which included Bob Lutz. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.
The comparison went like this: "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour; or we'd have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
In response to all this goating, Lutz replied "Yeah, but would you really want a car that's archaic in 3 months and crashes twice a day?"
Last edited by Steve in Seattle; Jan 6, 2007 at 04:57 PM.
Here's a contribution. My buddy at work is expecting his first child Any Day now and this joke came to mind. Hope you laugh or at the least, aren't offended
Three young ladies are sitting in an ob/gyn waiting room, a redhead, a blonde and a brunette. all of them obviously and happily pregnant.
The redhead turns to the brunette and asks "What are you having ?" To which the brunette replies " I don't know, I haven't seen the doctor yet.."
"Oh, it's simple, you don't need the OB to know that....It's all in what position you were in when you conceived..As I was missionary, I will most likely have a girl.."
The brunette ponders this for a moment and then responds .."Oh... then I guess I will most likely have a boy..." At this the blonde breaks into hysterics, almost inconsolable.
After fifteen minutes the other two calm her a bit.. "What ever is the problem dear ?" They both exclaim..
Teary eyed and wild she turns to them..
"I'm going to have PUPPIES....!!
Three young ladies are sitting in an ob/gyn waiting room, a redhead, a blonde and a brunette. all of them obviously and happily pregnant.
The redhead turns to the brunette and asks "What are you having ?" To which the brunette replies " I don't know, I haven't seen the doctor yet.."
"Oh, it's simple, you don't need the OB to know that....It's all in what position you were in when you conceived..As I was missionary, I will most likely have a girl.."
The brunette ponders this for a moment and then responds .."Oh... then I guess I will most likely have a boy..." At this the blonde breaks into hysterics, almost inconsolable.
After fifteen minutes the other two calm her a bit.. "What ever is the problem dear ?" They both exclaim..
Teary eyed and wild she turns to them..
"I'm going to have PUPPIES....!!