Friday joke
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From: League City Texas
Friday joke I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 5-year-old granddaughter
and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
She said "It's President's Day!"
She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was
waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White
House and, if he sees his shadow, we have one more year of unemployment."
You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose...
and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
She said "It's President's Day!"
She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was
waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White
House and, if he sees his shadow, we have one more year of unemployment."
You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose...
Another one for Friday...
Senior Church Moment
A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation -- no one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, ... "IF THE PREACHERS STAYS, I WILL PROVIDE HIM WITH A NEW CADILLAC EVERY YEAR, AND HIS WIFE WITH A HONDA MINI-VAN TO TRANSPORT THEIR CHILDREN!" The congregation sighs in relief and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "IF THE PREACHER WILL STAY ON HERE, I'LL PERSONALLY DOUBLE HIS SALARY, AND ALSO ESTABLISH A FOUNDATION TO GUARANTEE THE COLLEGE EDUCATION OF ALL OF HIS CHILDREN!" More aloud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "IF THE PREACHER STAYS, I WILL GIVE HIM SEX!" There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "MRS. JONES, WHATEVER POSSESSED YOU TO SAY THAT?" Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "WELL, I JUST ASKED MY HUSBAND HOW WE COULD HELP, AND HE SAID, 'SCREW HIM!' "
Isn't senility wonderful?
Senior Church Moment
A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation -- no one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, ... "IF THE PREACHERS STAYS, I WILL PROVIDE HIM WITH A NEW CADILLAC EVERY YEAR, AND HIS WIFE WITH A HONDA MINI-VAN TO TRANSPORT THEIR CHILDREN!" The congregation sighs in relief and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "IF THE PREACHER WILL STAY ON HERE, I'LL PERSONALLY DOUBLE HIS SALARY, AND ALSO ESTABLISH A FOUNDATION TO GUARANTEE THE COLLEGE EDUCATION OF ALL OF HIS CHILDREN!" More aloud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "IF THE PREACHER STAYS, I WILL GIVE HIM SEX!" There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "MRS. JONES, WHATEVER POSSESSED YOU TO SAY THAT?" Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "WELL, I JUST ASKED MY HUSBAND HOW WE COULD HELP, AND HE SAID, 'SCREW HIM!' "
Isn't senility wonderful?
Walmart Doctor
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a
doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @
Wal-Mart.."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better!
Thank you for shopping @ Walmart
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a
doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @
Wal-Mart.."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better!
Thank you for shopping @ Walmart
