jokes to start the day
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,720
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From: Mckinney Plano Frisco
jokes to start the day Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball
at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his
birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,
honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie. Want your
usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of
it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every
4-letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."
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"Hang on to any of the new Oklahoma quarters. If you have them, they
may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. mint announced today
that it is recalling all of the Oklahoma quarters that are part of its program
featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after
numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking
meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated
devices.
The problem lies in the unique design of the Oklahoma quarter, which
was designed by a team of specialists from OKLAHOMA STATE UNIVERSITY.
Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together
keeps jamming up the machines."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Why Men Have Better Friends
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's
10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there."
at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his
birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,
honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie. Want your
usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of
it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every
4-letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hang on to any of the new Oklahoma quarters. If you have them, they
may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. mint announced today
that it is recalling all of the Oklahoma quarters that are part of its program
featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after
numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking
meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated
devices.
The problem lies in the unique design of the Oklahoma quarter, which
was designed by a team of specialists from OKLAHOMA STATE UNIVERSITY.
Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together
keeps jamming up the machines."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Why Men Have Better Friends
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's
10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there."
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in ****pit.
S: Something tightened in ****pit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right ma in landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in ****pit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
last ones the best
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in ****pit.
S: Something tightened in ****pit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right ma in landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in ****pit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
last ones the best
