Holiday Funny
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From: Marysville, WA
Holiday Funny THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of '*******' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirt ies & fortie s, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??'
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the ***** are for decoration only.'
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of '*******' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirt ies & fortie s, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??'
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the ***** are for decoration only.'
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From: Seattle, WA
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you’re It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don’t need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. < BR>
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
THOUGHTS FOR A SLOW WEEK:
Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctr Alt Delete’ and start all over?
Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember:
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable,
And Always Close To Your Heart!
==============
Ponderisms:
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed an d not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?”
Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt. “
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he’s going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Have a safe and happy Christmas and holiday season, and may Santa put everything under the tree you wished for.
1. Sag, you’re It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don’t need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. < BR>
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
THOUGHTS FOR A SLOW WEEK:
Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctr Alt Delete’ and start all over?
Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember:
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable,
And Always Close To Your Heart!
==============
Ponderisms:
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed an d not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?”
Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt. “
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he’s going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Have a safe and happy Christmas and holiday season, and may Santa put everything under the tree you wished for.
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Posts: 452
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Yea I started pretty young and I guess my son thought it would be a good idea to do the same.
But him and his wife are doing really well and Im pretty happy. I got me a boy to play cars with again.
But him and his wife are doing really well and Im pretty happy. I got me a boy to play cars with again.