CarsandWomen

iTrader: (19)

^^^

adanieljohnson1

iTrader: (1)

by far the best of the day!!! WINNER!!! Ok who's commin with the heat now?

Shackleford

iTrader: (12)

Silly toked up monkey.

TXCAMSS

iTrader: (60)

Boudreaux & Thidodeaux were fishing one day when
Boudreaux pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no
matches, he asked Thibodeaux for a light.
"Shure, I got a lighter," he replied. Then reaching
into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10
inches long.

"Jiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Boudreaux, taking the huge
Bic lighter in his hands. "Where did yew git dat
monster??" "Well," replied Thibodeaux, "I got it from
my Genie."

"You gots a genie in dat tackle box?" Boudreaux asked.


"Yep, I shure got one. It's right here in my tackle
box," says Thibodeaux.

"Could I see him?"

So Thibodeaux opens his tackle box and sure enough,
out pops the genie.

Addressing the genie, Boudreaux says, "Hey dere! I'm a
good friend of your Master, will yew grant me one
wish?"

"Yes, I will," says the genie.

So Boudreaux asks the genie for a million bucks. The
genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving
Boudreaux sitting there, waiting for his million
bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is soon filled with the
sound of a million ducks ... flying overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Boudreaux yells at
Thiboduaux. "Jumpin' Jimminy Crickets! I axed for a
million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Thibodeaux answers, "Yup, I forgot to tell yew dat
genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I axed
for a 10-inch Bic?"

TXCAMSS

iTrader: (60)

You Have to Love Drunk People:

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where
a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband

"Over here in the swing!" replies the drunk.

FIREHAWK #07

iTrader: (1)

Why do jews have big noses?
















Because air is free.... womp womp womp.

CarsandWomen

iTrader: (19)

Why did the Catholic Priest cross the road?











Because the chicken dressed up like and altar boy.

CarsandWomen

iTrader: (19)

What do you call a Blonde with half a brain?




Gifted.

1FAST02FORMULAHAWK

iTrader: (8)

Stolen from HPD.com

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina
dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the
checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and
have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the
way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's *** and a car hit both of us.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he
was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time
in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Jip99z

iTrader: (1)

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from his
bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front
lawn.
He promptly called the local police station......
The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's
Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?''

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a long
moment...........................................

Father O'Malley then replied: ''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin.''

TXCAMSS

iTrader: (60)

A very gentle Texas lady was driving across the Pecos

High Bridge in Texas one day. As she neared the middle of the

bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to (means 'getting ready to' in Texas )

jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please

don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."


He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."


She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."


He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."


She said, "Well, Remember the Alamo ."


He replied, ''What's the Alamo ?''

She replied, ''Well, bless your heart, just go ahead and jump,

you dumb *** Yankee.''

Reject

iTrader: (24)

HA!! awsome

JayBee

Ownedd!!

CarsandWomen

iTrader: (19)

ANGER MANAGEMENT

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying: "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an *******!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '*******' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rancher, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen."

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an *******!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two ******** to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called ******* #1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He screamed, "Stop calling me."

I said, "Make me."

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow rancher, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******," and hung up.
Then I called ******* #2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, *******,"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ***!"

I answered, "Well, *******, you're going to get your chance. I'm coming over there right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ..

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two ******** beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

CarsandWomen

iTrader: (19)

The love story of Ralph and Edna:

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the
deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person
you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news
is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you
saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can
I go home?'

CarsandWomen

iTrader: (19)

tttttttttt

CAMAROWITHBASS

iTrader: (2)

a girl gets a tatto of a seashell by her inner thigh
and she asked her boyfriend "can u hear the ocean?"
he says "no, but i can smell the fish"

CAMAROWITHBASS

iTrader: (2)

oe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him.
He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"

The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!"

CAMAROWITHBASS

iTrader: (2)

An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800's. Suddenly he stops and points. "Bear have babies." He says.

One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, "How'd you know that!?."

"I know these things," replied the Indian.

They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points, and says, "deer tracks."

"How'd you know that!?" asks the young pioneer once again.

"I know these things."

After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come."

"How'd you know that!?"

"Ear wet."

WillSS

iTrader: (1)

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice.