Western Members CA, AZ, NV, UT, CO, NM, HI

Daily humor...

Thread Tools
 
Search this Thread
 
Old 07-29-2010, 04:51 PM
  #1  
TECH Senior Member
Thread Starter
iTrader: (36)
 
ss.slp.ls1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 8,188
Received 26 Likes on 24 Posts

Default Daily humor...

1) Actual except from a newspaper:

A woman walking through the parking lot of the Vadnais Heights big-box store did a double-take the morning of July 13 but whished she hadn't seen what she saw the first time. She told a deputy inside about a man in a vehicle nude from the waste down and adult **** on the dashboard. The man, who had not committed an actual crime, was told to beat it.

beat it...

2) Actual headstone engraving

"Two things I love most,
Good horses and beautiful
women. And when I die I hope
they tan this old hide of mine
and make it into a ladies riding
saddle, so I can rest in peace
between the two things I love
most."

Old 07-29-2010, 05:46 PM
  #2  
TECH Fanatic
iTrader: (4)
 
180ls1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: San Diego
Posts: 1,528
Likes: 0
Received 1 Like on 1 Post
Default

Nice, here are a few

The following quotations are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts by Charles M. Sevilla and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place. Regardless of originations, they can be eye openers as to the mentality of those engaged in the drill...

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there..
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
=2 0 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the C ircus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I fini shed.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
__________________
Old 07-29-2010, 06:18 PM
  #3  
TECH Regular
iTrader: (18)
 
m6ttop's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: anaheim, ca
Posts: 469
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts

Default

LOL have you been on failblog jason?
Old 07-29-2010, 06:20 PM
  #4  
TECH Senior Member
Thread Starter
iTrader: (36)
 
ss.slp.ls1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 8,188
Received 26 Likes on 24 Posts

Default

Originally Posted by m6ttop
LOL have you been on failblog jason?
Pretty much once a day just to get a laugh. Usually just look at the latest Failblog, Failbook, and EpicWinFTW subcategories.
Old 07-29-2010, 06:20 PM
  #5  
TECH Regular
iTrader: (18)
 
m6ttop's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: anaheim, ca
Posts: 469
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts

Default

engrish.com is a good one also



Quick Reply: Daily humor...



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:30 PM.