Message to Americans
11-15-2004, 10:48 AM
#1
Banned
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 2
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Message to Americans In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy). Your new prime
minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have
until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will
appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced
with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary.Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters.You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed'
not 'zee'), and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You
will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra,' e.g., Edinburgh.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in
the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish
dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While
we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in
calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be
re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn the words to your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p, and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred
to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the
American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine".
This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former
USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the
Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -
get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy). Your new prime
minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have
until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will
appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced
with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary.Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters.You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed'
not 'zee'), and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You
will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra,' e.g., Edinburgh.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in
the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish
dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While
we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in
calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be
re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn the words to your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p, and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred
to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the
American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine".
This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former
USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the
Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -
get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
11-15-2004, 10:51 AM
#2
TECH Enthusiast
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 743
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Message to you and other people across the world that think like you.
1. Take your opinion shove it straight up your ***.
2. Never post on these forum's again unless you have something worth a damn.
3. Go to hell you liberal bastard.
1. Take your opinion shove it straight up your ***.
2. Never post on these forum's again unless you have something worth a damn.
3. Go to hell you liberal bastard.
11-15-2004, 10:53 AM
#3
12 Second Club
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 3,371
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Ban this ********** before I puke. Incidently, you can't revoke something we took by force. Not that I'm too bent out of shape over this kind "humour," it's just counterproductive.
: 
11-15-2004, 11:17 AM
#7
TECH Enthusiast
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Red Stick, LA
Posts: 659
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
My reply Too much to reply to all, but:
I know you may be unhappy with our choice for the leader of OUR country, but maybe we just wanted to tell the rest of the world something important. I do not want my butt wiped by my government. I do not want my government to tell me what I can or cannot say. I want to take care of myself as I see fit. I want to pay for my own healthcare. I want to take care of my retirement. I don't want others deciding what is right for me.
1. If you want this country back, come and get it if you can.
2. Being from Mississsippi, "You can have my guns when you pry them from my cold dead hands."
3. German cars suck they cost so much because wasteful design. I replaced an AC evaporator in a Mercedes 1980 280E. I thought American cars from that era had lots of vaccum lines. This thing had vaccum powered door locks! There were three bolts roughly 1/2 inch in diameter holding the brake caliper on. I guess the designers were worried it was going to jump off.
Have a good one!
I know you may be unhappy with our choice for the leader of OUR country, but maybe we just wanted to tell the rest of the world something important. I do not want my butt wiped by my government. I do not want my government to tell me what I can or cannot say. I want to take care of myself as I see fit. I want to pay for my own healthcare. I want to take care of my retirement. I don't want others deciding what is right for me.
1. If you want this country back, come and get it if you can.
2. Being from Mississsippi, "You can have my guns when you pry them from my cold dead hands."
3. German cars suck they cost so much because wasteful design. I replaced an AC evaporator in a Mercedes 1980 280E. I thought American cars from that era had lots of vaccum lines. This thing had vaccum powered door locks! There were three bolts roughly 1/2 inch in diameter holding the brake caliper on. I guess the designers were worried it was going to jump off.
Have a good one!
Trending Topics
11-15-2004, 11:28 AM
#9
TECH Enthusiast
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Red Stick, LA
Posts: 659
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
When I replaced the evaporator in the Mercedes 280E I could have installed an rollcage due to the fact I had to remove everything but the back seat to get to the evaporator, I mean stripped out the carpet. I didn't install the rollcage because the car didn't make enough power to pull down the lid of a toilet seat. 
11-15-2004, 11:48 AM
#10
Teching In
iTrader: (6)
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Arlington, TX
Posts: 41
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
It makes my day to know you are bothered by us so much and can't do anything to change it. ANYTHING. Oh yeah, remember we are and always will be the most powerful nation on the globe. Have a good one.
11-15-2004, 11:50 AM
#11
Administrator
Originally Posted by BadAndy
Ban this ********** before I puke.
fetler - I would prefer that you just thank us Americans for allowing your to keep your freedom. You'd be speaking German if it weren't for us.
Now run along junior and have some tea and crumpets.
11-15-2004, 11:51 AM
#12
TECH Enthusiast
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Tinley Park, IL
Posts: 533
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Haha, ban this ******* retard! 2 posts and its all bullshit. Waste of space and should be killed
Hey fetler, you and all your foreign friends should go back to your own country and have fun ******* each other in the *** while you raise your pride flag you homosexuals
****** ehh USA
Hey fetler, you and all your foreign friends should go back to your own country and have fun ******* each other in the *** while you raise your pride flag you homosexuals
****** ehh USA
11-15-2004, 11:54 AM
#13
11 Second Club
iTrader: (46)
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: jacksonville, fl
Posts: 1,667
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
wow, we are all no dumber for reading that! lol and to the brit, how about you learn to brush your teeth and then maybe we will actually have a conversation with one of yall without laughing lol!
11-15-2004, 11:57 AM
#14
TECH Enthusiast
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Tinley Park, IL
Posts: 533
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Originally Posted by 68birdls1
wow, we are all no dumber for reading that! lol and to the brit, how about you learn to brush your teeth and then maybe we will actually have a conversation with one of yall without laughing lol!
11-15-2004, 11:57 AM
#15
TECH Enthusiast
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 743
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
It must suck to wake up every morning knowing that America could come in and kick your countries *** if it wanted to. That your country can't do anything it wants. The US can kick everyones *** and we should make sure they fully understand. God Bless America.
11-15-2004, 12:00 PM
#16
TECH Enthusiast
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Tinley Park, IL
Posts: 533
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories.
Did you know she is a ***** Fetler...
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories.
Did you know she is a ***** Fetler...
11-15-2004, 12:21 PM
#17
... served 20 years. The majority of Brits have stuck with us over the years and have been our friend and ally because they know and remember what happened during WWI and WWII. We've never been closer allies. This is just some pencil-dick who feels sexually deficient. He just has nothing to 
... poor little dickless Gal-boy!
RFLMOA!!!!!!
... poor little dickless Gal-boy!
RFLMOA!!!!!!
11-15-2004, 12:37 PM
#19
Originally Posted by unit213
You'd be speaking German if it weren't for us. Now run along junior and have some tea and crumpets.
Now run along junior and have some tea and crumpets.
11-15-2004, 12:41 PM
#20
Originally Posted by fetler
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy). Your new prime
minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have
until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will
appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced
with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary.Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters.You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed'
not 'zee'), and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You
will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra,' e.g., Edinburgh.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in
the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish
dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While
we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in
calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be
re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn the words to your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p, and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred
to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the
American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine".
This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former
USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the
Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -
get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy). Your new prime
minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have
until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will
appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced
with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary.Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters.You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed'
not 'zee'), and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You
will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra,' e.g., Edinburgh.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in
the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish
dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While
we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in
calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be
re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn the words to your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p, and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred
to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the
American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine".
This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former
USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the
Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -
get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
